There are days when you can feel your emotions right on the edge. You know where every little thing threatens to make you cry or brings up an emotion you just weren’t expecting? Today was one of those days for me.
It started with me going through all of my altar stuff. Dismantling your life is tedious and exhausting work. It also brings back a ton of memories. Looking at my altar stuff I found things that were given to me as gifts that I knew I couldn’t part with. Other things I used as a representation for this or that. They will mean nothing to anyone but me. Trying to decide what to get rid of and what to keep is a feat in and of itself.
Then you add two young men who want things that meant something to you for their own altars. In my previous post I talked about Cerridwen being the Goddess I work most with and on my altar for years I have kept a beautiful glass pig. My son wanted her. Then there was an owl for Bloudewedd that Kity wanted. That doesn’t count the small minute things that each of them claimed as their own. It is one of those things that you find very kind and sweet. They want to keep you and your energy near them and at the same time it is difficult to let go of those things that have brought you so much comfort for so many years.
Emotions run high on both sides. The receiver and the giver. We all felt it. It is a way of letting go and preparing for a future that we are all uncertain of but know is necessary. Trepidation, love, laughter and a few feelings of what is really going to happen once the reality sets in and this new beginning actually begins.
And then this happens…
I get ready to head upstairs and I stop at the end of my bed for a moment. I look over and I see my wedding ring laying there next to Mike’s. I know immediately what needs to be done. I pick them up and head upstairs.
The memories come flooding back. The first time we were married we went for simple gold rings. The second time he bought me a beautiful Goddess ring and I bought him a celtic type weaved ring. I ultimately couldn’t wear my ring because it would break my hands out so we opted to go back to the two simple gold rings we had originally. I wore them for a while after he died, until I couldn’t anymore. After so many years of wearing them all of a sudden my hand would break out in a terrible rash every time I wore them. I finally figured that it was his way of telling me to let go and I took them off. They have sat there together since.
I am standing in the kitchen and I ask Jeremy to come in. I had already given him the weaved ring a couple of months ago. I try to make sure that he has things that meant something to his dad to hold onto. They were so close and Mike’s death has been extremely hard for him. He lost his best friend the day his dad died, he lost his dad way to young. They had to many things left to do that will never happen now so the small things are most important now.
Into the kitchen he comes and I ask him to put his pinky finger out. He does and I put both of our rings on his finger. He looked at me kind of funny and I asked him if he knew what they were. He didn’t. I told him that they are our wedding rings and he immediately cried. I cried. Then we laughed. He told me how small our hands were. The moment was beautiful and now we move on.
I keep telling myself that they are “just rings.” Yet, deep in my heart I know that they are more than “just rings,” they represent a friendship that was true and deep. They represent a love that was unique and fulfilling. They represent pain, loss, love, laughter and a life of happiness that ended way to soon.
To the outside eye they are “just rings” but to me they are filled with memories. My only wish now is that our son will make his own memories with them but never forget what they represent in his life. A mother and a father who love him more than life itself. Parents who loved and laughed together. He can add his own memories to them and someday he can share them with his own family. For now, for me, they represent letting go and starting anew. The memories are sweet, my heart is full and those rings are now our son’s. The circle of life moves forward. I am thankful.