I had a life, once. Actually, looking back over the years it seems that I have had many lives in this lifetime. Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever look back on your life and say to yourself, “That was a lifetime ago?”
This morning I met with a new friend to deliver books she had purchased. While we were talking I was telling her a bit about the book stand she bought. In our home it had history and I always feel people should know the history of items. You see my books have been a part of my family for many years and so has most of the items I am currently selling. They each have their own history and personality.
Anyway, after telling her how we used the stand she asked me if I was sure I wanted to part with it. It was a stand I used during ritual and one Mike used when he did handfastings. My answer was yes. Actually my answer was more than yes. It was more along the lines of it is all about letting go.
After we parted ways I started thinking about this letting go business. You hear it said over and over, just let it go, but what does that really mean? You can’t undo the things that have happened so how do you just let them go? I can completely understand letting go of items but sitting and thinking about it made me realize that letting go of items is not so easy either. Our society determines your success by the items you have. Letting them go means what? Where will that put you in the standing of keeping up with the Jones’?
This train of thought led me to the opening of this. I had a life, once. Actually many. You see I can look back on my life and see many treasured items. Each of them held a memory. Each treasure had a portion of my life attached to it. Yet, none of these lives or the person who lived it really exists anymore. I know that makes no sense, after all, I am writing this right now so how could they not exist? I guess technically you are right. I am the summation of all of these lives and I am still here living so somewhere deep inside of me all of these people still exist.
Here is the thing though. I am no longer that infant girl whose biological father didn’t want her because she was a girl. She is gone. She has grown up.
I am no longer the sexually abused little girl who grew up in a wonderful home with a kick ass family with a dad who chose her and made her his daughter. I dreaded my summers because that meant I had to find a way to protect myself and my sister from the man we called grandpa. I protected her just fine but somehow I didn’t do so well on protecting myself. I am no longer her. I healed those wounds. They no longer affect me. She is gone. She has grown up. The truth has been told and life goes on.
I am no longer the teenager who dreamed of becoming a forest ranger but instead got married at the age of 16. I am no longer that girl that had her first child at the age of 18 and then found herself in an abusive marriage. I am not that 24 year old woman that lost her heart when she lost her son’s. I am no longer that 24 year old woman who cried herself to sleep every night and found that alcohol would numb the pain. I am no longer that 24 year old woman who lived in fear for her life. She has been healed. She has grown up.
I am no longer that 25 year old woman who fell head over in heels in love with a man named Brian but ultimately ran because she loved him to much. She left because it was the only way to keep her tattered, beaten heart from being totally destroyed. She protected herself but at the same time she lost herself. Instead she drove 1,500 miles when her grandma called and said “I need you.”
I am no longer that 25 year old woman that came home because her best friend, her grandma, needed her only to have her best friend die 6 weeks later. I am not that woman anymore. I am no longer angry at my best friend. She has been healed. She has grown up.
I am no longer that 27 year old woman who lost her only daughter. I am no longer that woman who turned away from her beliefs because she was told to get over losing all 4 of her children because it “was God’s will and I just needed to move on.” No, I am no longer that woman. That woman walked away from her religious upbringing because her God could not be that cruel and found her heart in a different path. I am no longer that woman. She has been healed. She has grown up.
I am no longer that 31 year old woman that has a 2 year old son and is going through another divorce because when our daughter died we quit talking. I am no longer that woman who still loves her husband but can no longer communicate with him. The anger to great. The grief to deep. I am no longer that woman. She has been healed. She has grown up.
I am no longer that 36 year woman who married a man who didn’t know how to love. I am no longer that woman who came into money, trusted the wrong people, had her marriage fall apart and him take all that was left leaving her desolate with a 7 year old. She has healed. She has grown up.
I am no longer that 42 year old woman who has just remarried her best friend. It was different this time. There was love, understanding, kindness, acceptance. She had her everything back and life was good, for a change. Her healing had brought her love again. Her growing up had brought a new dimension to life.
All of these women were a part of this lifetime, yet, each feels like a lifetime ago. Each brought their own trials, their own lessons, their own healing. Each feel like they are different women, looking through different eyes. I understand that they are all phases of one lifetime but they all feel like different lifetimes.
So who am I? I am the culmination of all of these women. I carry their hurt, their victories, their lessons within me. I am now a woman that has lived many lifetimes in one lifetime. I am now a 51 (soon to be 52) year old woman who has once again lost her best friend. He died this time so there is no going back. I am a woman who has climbed many mountains, suffered many losses and yet here I am still standing. I am a woman who is learning what letting go means. I have let go of all of these women and now I am letting go of the life I once had.
A life filled with love. A life filled with understanding. A life filled with acceptance of who I am, no questions asked. A life filled with happiness and laughter. Now I start anew. Now I look to the future and I know that the only way to move forward is to let go.
Abandonment and rejection are two of the hardest lessons to accept for me. It seems that every man I have ever truly loved has abandoned me on one level or another. Either physically or emotionally. It all hurts the same. I am working on letting it go but it has not been easy.
Now I am letting go of my life. The treasures of the home I shared with a husband that adored me. The life we had together. It is gone. A new me is being born and a year from now I will no longer be this woman. She will be gone. She will be healed. I am letting everything go including the woman I am today. I am excited to see who I become. The journey is filled with beauty and I know that these hurts, these lessons, will soon be a part of the woman I will be.
Letting go means we are healing or we have healed. We no longer need to hold onto the things we own, the person we believe we are, to be whole. We allow ourselves to just “be” and right now, this is what I am striving for, learning to just “be.” No expectations, no set in stone plans, just going and finding the beauty and the amazing life that awaits me.
In Her Service,