Everything is happening at break neck speed! Does your life ever feel like it is just spinning out of control and you aren’t accomplishing anything, yet, you have so much to do? I am there!
I have about 31 days, if not less, before I get in my car and just go. Yet I am finding many days I accomplish absolutely nothing. It isn’t for lack of trying it is just one of those things that happens.
I just celebrated my birthday last weekend. I had a great weekend but I accomplished nothing, at least nothing physical. I did accomplish a few things. I made some new friends and I was able to spend some beautiful time with my “kids.” I made memories of the most beautiful kind. My time with them is short. I am leaving soon and I won’t have those days of doing nothing with them for a while. I imagine that when I return to visit, their lives will be a lot busier than they are now, the days of hanging out and doing nothing will be long gone. It is so sad to think that we don’t enjoy our lazy days anymore. We grow up and life gets busy and we forget what it was like when we were kids and we had those lazy summer days where we did nothing and enjoyed it.
There are days where I wonder if I am doing the right thing. If leaving is going to be good for my life, my son’s life. I have roots here. My whole family is here. My son has been my number one priority in life for the last 23 years. I am not sure I know how to be me without him. I know that this is something that I need to do but I also wonder what my life will be like once I leave.
So many people wish me luck and say “I hope you find what you are searching for.” The thing is that I am not searching for anything. I am being called. I have no idea where I am going or why. I just know that I am suppose to go. I have as many questions as most “normal” people do. What will I see? What will I find during this journey? When will the journey end? Will it ever end? Will I find love? Will I be alone the rest of my life? Will I be alright? I have no answers. I have hopes and dreams but no answers. I want to believe that there is somewhere out in this world that I will land. I want to believe that the life I am heading into will be blessed and filled with love. I want to believe that I will fall in love again and live happily ever after.
What I do know is that life is full of peaks and valleys and I have walked many of them. My life has not been a cake walk. It is alright though because I have survived so far. I do know that my life is filled with love. I also know that the love I share with my family and friends will never die, no matter where I go. The love I have in my life is what has gotten me through and I have little doubt that it will continue to do so.
As humans we crave love, affection, companionship. I enjoy my own company. I love the woman I am. I have fought long and hard to find her and I don’t intend to lose the person I am. I hope to grow and become better than I am in this moment on this day though. I don’t mind being alone but I really don’t like the feeling of loneliness.
I miss having my person. You know what I mean. That person that I can tell my deepest darkest secrets to. That person who I know will be there when I fall to help me get back up. That person to hold me at night. That person that can look at me and know what I am feeling and thinking before anyone else in the room. That person that will hold me when I feel like my world has just come to an end and tell me that I am going to be okay and we can get through this together. That person who wants me as much as I want him. The one that wants me to be the last thing he sees when he goes to sleep and the first thing he sees when he wakes up. That person who laughs with me. That person who makes me a better person because I love him and he loves me. I want that. I wonder if I will find it. I have no idea but I can hope and dream. I know he is out there, somewhere.
Don’t misunderstand me, I have love, I have people to turn to. My “kids” are always there when I need them. My family is always there when I need them. My son has stepped up more than anyone could possibly imagine the last year and half, yet with all of the friends and family I have in my life I do not have that one person that makes my heart skip. I don’t have my person and I feel that hole in my life significantly.
The last 11 months has been all about healing myself. I have pretty much kept to myself. I have felt the pain. I have let it flow through and out of me. I have worked daily to heal. I can’t say that there is no pain left, that would be a lie. I believe that there will always be pain. You don’t lose someone you loved so much and not have pain in your heart because they are not here anymore.
You do, with time, start thinking of the good things they offered you and how they made a difference in your life. That is part of the healing. Then a day comes and you can smile at their memory. You can laugh about the things they did and although there are tears combined with the laughter they aren’t so much tears of pain but rather tears of missing. You never stop missing the love you shared. Yet, it lives on because you carry it deep in your heart. At some point though you find yourself wanting to have that type of love again. You hope it is as good and pray it is better and life moves on.
So although I have no answers as to what is coming in the future, I believe. I believe I will become a better person. Spirit has a plan. I believe I will find love in friends and family that I intend to visit. I believe that in each place I will leave a piece of myself and take a piece of the place with me. I believe that I will find the land that is calling me. I believe that I will find love again. I will find my person. I believe he is out there, longing and yearning for the same things I am. He is waiting for me to show up and when I get there we will rock each other’s world. I don’t know where he is but I am believing that he is waiting with open arms and when I find him I will run straight into them and never look back. I believe. I believe because I dream. I believe because I know that in this life anything is possible and as I walk this last leg of my life I just know it is going to be beautiful and love filled! I believe that Spirit has a plan.
In Her Service,