Today I cried. I totally lost it. I mean my body shook and my heart felt like it was breaking all over again. I cried so hard that I could not breathe. This has not happened in a few months. I didn’t see it coming. It started with a facebook meme. I went to share it and write about it and before it was over I had totally and utterly fallen apart. I made it upstairs to my son and just cried on his shoulder, literally and figuratively. He just held me, tight. He just let me cry. He just embraced me and let me have my complete and total melt down without a word. I have no idea what I am going to do when he isn’t with me to hold me when I have a melt down. It scares me in some ways. I will not have that complete and utter understanding of where I am at that moment.
He understands because he has felt it too. He understands because we have walked through this journey together and although it is completely different to lose your dad vs. your husband the loss is still there and still deep.
It never ceases to amaze me that it can be the smallest thing that will hit you sideways. The big things you expect to rock your world, don’t, the little things do. Why is that? Why is it that you can brace yourself and see the big picture, get through with flying colors then the smallest thing happens and you are brought to your knees? I will never understand. I guess in some ways I do, for me it is because you don’t see it coming, it is unexpected, but still, if you can handle the big stuff why not the little things?
I woke up in a good mood this morning. Decided to get more stuff packed and sorted. I had been listening to music and feeling pretty good. I sat down for a moment to check my facebook and this meme was there:
No big deal. I went to share it and as I was typing my thoughts on it. I realized, once again, that I had lost my best friend, he isn’t coming back. Nothing I can do or say can change it. You know you always think that you have tomorrow and everything will work out one way or another, then you realize that when someone dies there is no fixing, cajoling, begging, nothing can bring them back. What is done is done, it is forever. No second, third, fourth chances, it is done. No looking back, no future, nothing. Just done.
I have worked daily to deal with my grief. There have been many things that have rocked my world over the last year and half but today it was different. Today it was a complete and utter realization that no matter what I do in my life from this moment on, no matter how good or bad things get, I am alone. I no longer have my best friend to turn to and share with. It is just me. Nobody to hold my hand, nobody to hug me, nobody to text just to say, “Hi. I love you!”
Don’t get me wrong. I know that I am enough. I know that I can do this. I know that I am a strong person. I know that the pain will subside. I am very much aware of where I am in each moment. I am aware of my “now” on a regular basis. I strive to remain in the moment with all that I do. Yet, knowing all of this does not fill the hole that has been left. It doesn’t mend the want. It isn’t a need, it is a want. I want a best friend. I want that back. I know that it will never be who it was, death took that, it won’t return, it doesn’t stop me from missing it and it doesn’t stop me from wanting it again.
The meme says it all, really. Marry your best friend. It is the foundation for all of the peaks and valleys you will have to go through. It will get you through everything. I believe it is the most important part of a relationship. Today, the Universe just smacked me hard and reminded me that without that friendship you have nothing. It wasn’t a gentle reminder but a reminder it was.
So today I cried, harder than I have in months but ultimately I learned. I learned to trust in what I know and in myself. I can do this. I will do this. A new best friend will happen, eventually. Until then I am my own best friend. I know me best and the tears can flow, the heart can ache but ultimately when I leave this earth it is the friendship I have with myself that will go with me. The love I share with others will live on in them. I will laugh alone. Cry alone and ultimately die alone. It is how life works. We enter this world alone and ultimately we die alone. We may have loved one’s with us but ultimately the relationship we have with Spirit and ourselves is all that we take with us when we leave. I am good with Spirit and I am good with me.
They say that you can’t love someone else until you love yourself. I love who I am albeit I don’t always like myself, ultimately I love who I am and what I bring to any table. Because of this I know that when that next love comes along I will be ready and can give my all. I always do and always will. It is who I am. For now though I am missing having a best friend and dreaming of the day the beauty of a new friendship begins to bloom. It will happen, until then, I will hold onto being my own best friend and sit with Spirit knowing that all is well in this moment in time. Time heals, I am healing. Love heals, I love, I am love. For today my tears heal, I am healing. Spirit embraces, I return that embrace. Grateful for the lesson. One more step in the right direction of being the best me I can be, a baby step, a step nonetheless.
In Her Service,