Today has been a turning point of sorts. Today there has been pain but with pain comes clarity. Having a conversation about all of the stuff I have and the need to get rid of it made me realize a few things.
The first thing it made me realize is that everything that I am stressing about is just stuff. None of it matters, if it did I wouldn’t be getting rid of it right? One of the things that I learned, then apparently forgot, during my shaman’s training is that all of the things we struggle with, all of the stuff we stress over is just stuff and ultimately none of it matters. This goes for emotional as well as physical things. As humans we stress about everything. We are constantly thinking about stuff that we have no control over. I believe that this is part of my journey. Not just learning it but living it.
I have stressed over stuff I can’t control. I have stressed over the stuff I own and am trying to sort through. I have stressed over what will happen to my son when I leave. I have stressed over stuff! Stuff I can’t control. Stuff I don’t need. When I was given the vision to go I knew that there was going to be a long road of “letting go” and that it was part of this journey. I kept thinking that it was letting go of the life I had. It is but it is also so much more. It is letting go of the “what if’s,” it is letting go of the physical, emotional as well as the mental. It is coming to the conclusion that it is just stuff and I have no control over that stuff.
You hear people say all the time that you need to cull or clean things out to remove the old energy and bring new energy in. This is exactly what is happening in my life. I am culling everything. I am letting it go so that I can bring the new in. Holding onto all of the “things” and trying to figure out how to take them with me is not letting it go. It is putting it off until later. That is defeating the purpose. Yes, obviously there are things that I will need, necessities, clothing, shoes, etc. There are also obviously things that I will take because although they are not necessities they make my life simpler. My computer, my camera, my phone. Other than these items what do I really need?
I have no intention of getting rid of the people in my life. I love them all to deeply. I know that many of them are not happy with my decision to leave but I also know that regardless of their own feelings they will still love me and support me. It is just how we roll. Then there is my son, Jeremy.
It is amazing to me how many people seem to think that I should not leave because of my son. I have stood with my mouth opened to the floor several times when people have made this statement to me. I raised my son. I raised my son to stand on his own two feet. He is no longer a child. He is a 23 year old young man. It is time that he have the freedom to become the man I know he will be. It is time that he gets the opportunity to live his life on his terms. We have had an issue since my husband died. The issue has been that he promised his dad that he would take care of me. Getting him to understand that I don’t need him to take care of me because I am a big girl has been a journey itself. He has been selfless, loving, caring and everything his father would be proud of. Now though, it is time for him to have his own life. He won’t do that if I stay. He won’t because he feels obligated to take care of me.
This journey is my journey and in many ways it is also his journey. He is being given his freedom. He will no longer be in his parents shadow. He will no longer have to worry about anyone but him. He will do this and I believe he will not only do it but do it marvelously.
I said earlier that I raised him. He is my son. We have been together through so many things. Side by side. I raised him to be confident in who he is, to speak his mind, stand in his truth, think for himself, love wholly and with all of his being, be compassionate, love himself, treat others with respect, to show respect to those that give respect but not to diminish himself by bowing to those that don’t, he has been taught to walk away when he see’s that the situation isn’t right for him with his head held high, he has been taught to stand on his own two feet. I can’t begin to tell you how many times he has proven his ability to step up and be what he decides to be. He is a strong, determined young man. I have zero doubt that he will be fine without me. I raised him to be awesome without me!
I find it inherently unfair for anyone to say that I will come back. Not just to me but to my son. You see part of this journey is the letting go and letting him have his life. How would that look and how would it benefit him if he had the thought in the back of his mind that he can’t do something because his mom might want to come back and move in? Today this became very clear. The break will be clean and although we know that there is no intention of me returning, other than to visit, it is time that everyone understands it. I am leaving and I have no intention of coming back other than to visit. My son will come visit me, I will come visit him, we will never lose the relationship we have but it will change, as it should.
We are both moving on. We are both letting go. We are both finding our way on this journey and in the end we will both be better people because of it. We will grow, we will move forward and we will live our lives with all of the qualities that we both imbue. He is my son, I raised him, therefore I have no doubt that he will be a superb human and his life will be whatever he chooses it to be.
Me, I am following what I am shown. I have found that when I have a melt down more is shown and clarity comes forward. I can see more now than I did yesterday and today I see that it is time to just let go of all the stuff, physical, mental and emotional. Yup, it is just stuff and nope I don’t need to stress over it. In 30 days or less that stuff won’t matter because I will be in my car driving and following where I am led. The stuff will be in the rear view mirror and the sunrise will be in view. My son will be free and we will both be living our lives on our terms. It is a beautiful thing.
In Her Service,