This weekend was a weekend of good-byes. When I made the decision to leave I did so fully aware that I was leaving all of the people that I love and adore. My family, friends and the land I have called home for 27 years. I knew there would be good-byes. I knew that they would be difficult. I knew that my heart would break several times over. What I didn’t know was how many people truly love me. For so long I have questioned my life, felt alone, felt as though there were very few that I could turn to. I realize now that it wasn’t them it was me.
You see, for the most part, I only share parts of me with the public. There are very few that get to get close enough to really know me. I very seldom reach out to others when I am in pain. I very seldom reach out to others when I feel the need to talk. I just don’t do it. If you are a part of my life and I have ever reached out to you, you are one of my chosen. To me, my inner pain is mine. My inner thoughts are mine and honestly they are no different than so many others. I don’t reach out because I know and understand that everyone has their own lives to deal with, their own pains to heal and honestly I never felt that adding mine to theirs was something that I needed to do.
Instead I just work through it all on my own. What I am finding though is that there are many who cared. There are many who would have been there had I given them the opportunity. I just didn’t. I don’t trust people easily. I definitely don’t trust them with my inner pain and insecurities. I don’t trust them to be there when I need them and therefore I don’t reach out. There have been a few instances where I have and found that people were to busy, yet, there have also been times that those that really care will drop everything and come running if I need them. Mainly those people are my family. My family has been my stronghold for so many years that I often wonder if I will be able to live a life without seeing them, hugging them, being an intricate part of their lives. I know I need to do this. I know that I need to leave and find my own way but it is difficult to imagine on some days. Especially because I am not going to anyone or anything that has a definite purpose. I suppose that is part of the journey but it is truly the scariest part of the journey.
For so long I have depended on my husband. He knew me. He knew every single thing about me. My thoughts, my beliefs, my fears, my heart, my hurts, everything. It is a beautiful thing when you have someone that knows you as well, if not better, than you know yourself. I held nothing back from him and he held nothing back from me. We talked about everything. We did not agree on everything but we had enough respect for each other to agree to disagree and honor the other’s ways of being and thoughts. We had a unique relationship that I am finding is not so common. I miss it terribly. When your rock leaves you find yourself on shaky ground and it is a scary thing to endure. Finding your footing is not always so easy. Finding complete acceptance in another’s eyes is something we all want but are not so easily willing to give.
Late Thursday night I was led to go to the beach. You see I have been to two beaches since Mike died but I had not been to “our” beach. I just couldn’t face it. I couldn’t go back. There were to many memories. We have gone to Oceanside for years. It was our place. It was a place we would go when we needed or wanted to escape for a day or two. Near my birthday every year we would go and spend three to five days there. There are a million memories that live at that beach and I was not ready to face them.
Last week I did a lot of work on letting go. I did heart wrenching things that really caused me to go to the brink of total heart break again. Things I needed to do even though I did not want to. They were hard but I did them. Then on Thursday night I was in a place where I could hear Spirit giving me more to do. The biggest thing I had to do was go to the beach. I needed to say good-bye. I needed to face that pain so I could move forward. I talked to my son, Jeremy, and asked if he was ready, he was. We took a bit of Mike’s ashes with us.
The last two weeks he was alive all he wanted to do was go to the beach. He wasn’t strong enough and we had terrible weather. He had lost so much weight that he couldn’t handle the cold and those two weeks the weather was cold and wet. It made it impossible for him to go. It didn’t take the want away though. So we had decided that at some point we would take a bit of his ashes to the beach and he would always be a part of our beach as well as the ocean. Friday was that day.
We left the house a little later than I had wanted but we really had no other plans. I had decided that we needed to make the full journey and that is what we did. For 23 years I have gone to the same metaphysical shop. It was where I had my first reading. It was where I bought my first pagan book. It has been an big part of my life for two decades. It became a day trip for us. Mike loved it as much as I do. We would get up and get ready and head to Lady of the Lake.
On the way there I noticed, while driving down the freeway, that everything was this beautiful, lush green. We have had rain this year and because of it everything is blooming and it is lush and beautiful. We haven’t seen that in a while and I had to take it all in. I wanted to remember the beauty. I told everyone in the car to put their phones down and to pay attention. They did. We saw the beautiful green, the gorgeous orange and yellow marigolds blooming, the amazing orange poppy’s. There was so much beauty that it was truly surreal.
Then we made it to Lady of the Lake. For several years we would be greeted by Richard. Then a couple of years ago we went in and his energy was off. We knew something was wrong but we didn’t know what. He died shortly after that visit. Before he died though he started training a young man named James. James is a joy. He is my viking. We adore him and he always brings a smile to my face. He is caring and compassionate. After Mike died I made the journey through our day trip to prove to myself that I could. When I walked in James knew that Mike was gone and immediately came up and gave me one of his huge viking hugs. He told me how sorry he was. I, of course, cried. He made that day a bit easier because he took a moment to show me that we mattered.
Thursday we walked in and I told him, “I am not coming in here for anything other than one of your hugs.” He immediately walked over, gave me a huge bear hug and a kiss on the cheek and we stood and talked while the boys looked around the shop. I told him about my trip and told him what our journey for the day was. He knew it’s importance and he not only blessed us on the day’s journey but expressed his wish that my journey be filled with love. He is a remarkable young man. I will miss the store and I will miss James. It is funny how a “place” can be so heart filling. Walking out of the store was hard. It was a good-bye that I knew I needed to face but it didn’t make it easy.
Our next stop was Fillipi’s. This is an Italian Restaurant that I have literally grown up with. I love their food. They not only have the best cheese pizza on earth their spaghetti, lasagna and meatballs just can’t be beat. Our day trip always included Fillipi’s. It is a place where memories flow. From the first time Mike met my Sister and brother in law to our last birthday party there. There are memories. Each one of them is sweet and it would be difficult to pick my favorite. I needed to say good-bye. So cheese pizza, salads and drinks were our meal for the day. As usual it was fabulous.
When lunch was done we headed to the beach. I have always loved the drive to the beach. It is pretty much a two lane road. If you turn one way there is the Pala Indian Casino where I went to my first Powwow and if you turn the other you head to the beach. So many memories, no matter which way you go. We headed to the beach. Normally I would be the passenger. I was the driver and my perspective was a bit different. I just couldn’t get enough of the beauty around me. We were looking at street names, there was a Sage Rd. that my son pointed out, I pointed out Star Trek Ave., it is amazing what you see when you are really looking and paying attention.
We got to the beach. I had forgotten that it is Spring break. There were a ton of people. I am not good with a lot of people. I prefer small groups. My energy gets scattered and I become drained quickly with large groups. The joys of being an empath! I was not deterred though. I was determined to complete this trip. I found a parking space, paid for my parking and grabbed my camera. I took my shoes off and went barefoot. Yeah I am one of those girls who absolutely hates shoes and would rather be barefoot. We got to the beginning of the pier and I pulled the camera out only to realize that when I went to Florida I took the Sim card out and had not put it back in. So all we had were our phones to take a few pictures. It was meant to be.
We started by walking the pier. We had this thing when we would go. We would always walk the pier before we did anything else and this day was no different. I got about a quarter of the way down the pier and lost it. All of the memories came flooding back. The way that Mike and I would walk side by side, many times holding hands, looking at the surfers, looking at the birds, looking at the beauty of the ocean. We would get to the end of the pier and we would stand and look at the horizon. This day was no different. We followed those footsteps, except Mike wasn’t holding my hand. He wasn’t talking to me about the guy who couldn’t catch a wave. He was there in Spirit but he was not there to watch the horizon with me. We got to the end of the pier and I stared at the horizon wondering if he could see everything. If he knew how hard it is for those of us who loved him to keep moving on. I wondered if he is happy. I wondered if I would ever find that type of love again or if there would always be this emptiness within, never to be filled again. After a few moments we decided to take a picture of the three of us and a very kind lady saw us trying to take a selfie and offered to take the picture for us.
We headed back down the pier and finally made it to the beach. I always make a point of taking something to offer to my Mama Ocean. Usually it is blue corn meal and today was no different. Jeremy and I walked out to ankle deep water and I made my offering and then he offered his dad’s ashes to the ocean. It felt right. It is what Mike would have wanted. He no sooner put his dad’s ashes there and the waves came in bigger and stronger and he was gone. Next thing we knew we were knee deep in the ocean. I believe She knew She was taking one of Her’s home. I reached down and picked up 3 stones. One for each of us. We had once again found strength within to say good-bye to a man that we all adored. We had finally taken him to the beach where he wanted to go before he left us. He is home now and we can all move on. Our good-bye is said. Next is my good-bye to my ocean. That will be my next post. Won’t you join me in my tale of a love affair that has been a lifetime in the making?
In Her Service,