I am a word person. Let’s face it. All you ever have to do is sit and read my blog and you know that about me. I am no different in person. For me, words speak what the heart cannot say. I try to choose my words carefully and I give a lot of thought to them before I use them, yet, I don’t always get what I mean out clearly. I think that is part of being human. Many times we let our emotions rule what we say and we forget to use the words we mean to say and instead it comes out differently than intended. This is why I strive to think before I speak. Especially when something is important.
I recently realized that I am learning to live without words. Three words to be exact. Three words that can bring a person to their knees, warm their heart, change their world. Those three words are “I love you.”
When I was in California I had my family and a few chosen friends that let me know daily how loved I was. I never went a day without feeling loved nor did I go a day without being told how much I was loved.
Now, I struggle. I struggle to find my footing with people. I feel off balanced and out of sync. On many levels I feel as though I cannot be all of me. I have to give myself out in small doses. I find this very frustrating.
What I struggle most with is learning to live without words.
They are just words. I have heard that before. Yet words can heal the broken. Words can break the weak. Words can build a person up to make them stronger. Words matter.
To many times I have seen what wasn’t said break a person’s heart more than what was said. I remember when my dad died, hearing that he never said I love you, I saw the pain that caused. I have witnessed the hurt and heartache over the words not spoken because of the questions it leaves behind. The doubt it breeds within someone.
Almost everyone remembers the last words spoken to them from a loved one who has passed. They hold onto those memories. Why? Because words matter.
I am adjusting. I no longer hear the words on a daily basis. I no longer expect to hear the words at all. I want to cry when I do, because for me, they are a heart speaking. While I adjust I find myself closing my heart a little more each day. It is harder to penetrate. I am slowly reigning in my emotions and in turn I am changing. Changing who I am and who I will be in the future. It is more a survival mechanism than a hardening.
Learning to live without words has been a huge adjustment for me. I am learning. A lesson I never dreamed I would have to endure but here I am learning it.
Sometimes the lessons life offers can be so disappointing. Learning to live without words is one of those disappointing lessons.
In Her Service,