Past Haunting

There is an old record that continues to play in my head. I am sure that we all have one. It shows up when you least expect it. It shows up when something unexpected happens which triggers old feelings or memories. Sometimes it is easy to turn it off and other times it gets louder and louder and ignoring it doesn’t stop it. It doesn’t have to be a truth. It doesn’t have to be where you are, in this moment. It is there, always, whether it is in the forefront or lingering somewhere in the back of your mind.

Mine is “you are not enough.”

Not good enough….

Not pretty enough….

Not smart enough….

Not sexy enough….

Not confident enough….

Not funny enough…

Not wife, girlfriend, mother, daughter, sister, friend enough…

I know this is not true. I know that I am enough of everything. I am just me. I am a loving, caring, compassionate, intelligent, woman. I KNOW this. I love who I am. Yet, it takes very little for this record to start playing its tune, rather loudly, over and over again. Some days I can ignore it other days it engulfs me. I have worked hard to overcome this record. It has played for so many years that it is ingrained within my being.

This year has been a rough year. This record has played many times over the last year. The journey over the last year has been a difficult one. I still have not really found my footing. I have moved, met new people, fallen in love, and struggled with this record.

Stepping out of my comfort zone more times than I can count, putting myself out there and trying to establish myself here has been difficult. I thought I had built some pretty good friendships only to find that when I was not in a position to do what was wanted of me I was accused of not being myself. I had no choice but to say no. That was obviously not taken into consideration but ultimately what it showed me was that the people I thought were my true friends were not really friends. I was a convenience. As long as I did all that was wanted we were good, once I began to say no they walked away. It has been well over a month since I have heard a word from them. I won’t make contact because I am not the one that walked away. I am not the one that expected them to do something they weren’t capable of doing.

What it did to me though was bring up this old record of “you are not enough.” It hurt. It broke my heart. Why? Because I trusted. I loved. I was always there to help and yet I was not enough. Yes, I KNOW that this is not true. Yes, I KNOW that it is a reflection of them and not me. Yes, I KNOW! Yet, the record plays on. I look back and try to see what I could have done differently and ultimately my answer is nothing. I followed my heart. I asked nobody to agree with my decisions, I did what was right for me. Ultimately this is all I can do.

Today though the record continues to play. I find myself listening to it in the worst of ways and it really has me in a cycle of never-ending turmoil. On the one hand I know that what my record is playing is not true. On the other the record continues to play and ultimately it is affecting  my relationships. All I can do is look at it, feel it, recognize the fallacy of it and try to explain to those that I love so deeply why I feel the way I do. Will it be enough? Will it ruin what I have built? Will another walk away because I can’t get the record to stop playing? I can only pray that there is compassion and understanding. I can only give what I am and work through the haunting of my past. Until I can once again see my own worthiness I can only hope that those who love me will stick around.

It is like peeling the layers of an onion. Just about the time you think you have worked through it another layer shows up. Hopefully someday all the layers will be peeled and the record will stop playing. Until then I keep taking two steps forward and one step back knowing that I am, at least, making a tiny bit of progress.

In Her Service,