For years after my first divorce I struggled with letting people take advantage of me. I was like the carpet by the front door, wipe your feet on it and walk in.
After so many years of being told that I would never amount to anything, I was stupid, unworthy, to fat, to ugly, basically a worthless human, I struggled with not only finding out who I was and what I liked but also that I was worthy and deserved love.
Bottom line, I was deeply wounded and finding my own voice, strength and worthiness. Learning to love myself and that woman I saw in the mirror was a long and arduous journey. It was not a journey that was completed over night. In fact, it has been a daily journey for over 27 years.
There are setbacks, then leaps forward and the cycle continues on and on, over and over again. It only takes someone to use the right combination of words to throw me back. I call them triggers.
These triggers can and do rock my world. They bring back the fear I had for my own survival and ultimately they make me feel insecure and inept.
Recently, I went through an ordeal where I not only felt unwanted, hated, and so many other things but worse than that I felt unworthy. I felt as though I had no strength, no voice, no way of figuring life out anymore. This time was different though, this time it was caused by deep, buried grief. I held on. After burying my head under the blankets for 3 weeks I got up and started again.
My heart was shattered, my body felt as though it had been beaten, my mind was numb but I didn’t quit and I began searching. I searched for my voice as well as my strength. I knew it was there. I knew I would survive but would I ever be whole again? Would I love this new me? Would I love that woman in the mirror again?
When my life gets turned upside down I turn to Spirit. Spirit is where my faith lies and thus far in life Spirit has never let me down. Oh don’t get me wrong, I have had many disappointments because things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to but always the final outcome is better than even I can imagine.
Over the last 23 years I have worked very hard to be an example to my son Jeremy. I wanted him to have love beyond words and a mom he could be proud of.
A mom who showed strength in the face of adversity, who could overcome the obstacles in front of her. A mom who spoke her truth and stood strong in that truth. I wanted him to know and understand love, but more importantly I wanted him to know and understand compassion.
I wanted him to know and understand that no matter what gifts life gives him he is no better than anyone else that lives and breathes. I wanted him to know that prejudices against others because of race, sexual orientation or any other divisive issue breeds hate and hate kills the soul. He needed to know that we are all equal regardless of who we are and what we believe.
I needed and wanted to be an example to him as a woman who had a deep, abiding faith in Spirit.
I never wanted him to see me a total wreck. I failed at this after 23 years of striving to succeed. He saw me fall utterly and completely apart. Do you know what I learned?
I learned that my son has grown up to be everything I had hoped for! He was strong when I was weak. He was kind, caring and compassionate. Never once did he waiver in his love. He helped me pick the pieces of myself up and encouraged me to find my own way in putting those pieces back together. No judgment, no anger, just love.
I am back, a little bit tattered but when I look in the mirror I am happy with the woman I see again.
Here is the thing. I know they say after your spouse dies you should not make life changing decisions for 6 months to a year. This is really great advice. Sometimes though life happens. You need or have to make decisions for you well being so you can survive.
I believe you have to trust that everything is unfolding just as it should. Love finds a way to your heart and then your heart gets broken again. If never given the chance, never being open to it, how do you you if you can love again or trust another? Having my heart broken made me grieve for all I had lost. It also showed me the strength I carry within. It changed me. Life is all about changes right? Nothing ever stays exactly the same from one moment to the next.
I not only survived it I came out of it all with a knowledge that I can love again. More than that I want to love and be loved again. I never imagined that I would ever feel that way again. I had love, I lost love and my life was just about getting to the end, until I realized how much love I truly have to still give. So many lessons in such a short time. I find it amazing.
I don’t “need” anyone. I instead stand in choice. One of the things I learned in my training was that everything we do is done in choice. We live in choice. This is a beautiful way of seeing life. It is all about taking responsibility for our actions and be conscious of our choices. Knowing why we are doing what we are doing and trusting that our intuition is right rather than delaying everything and then blaming others for our bad decisions. I have made many bad choices in my lifetime. I own them all. They were mine and only mine.
Anyway, I choose to love again. I choose to be open to see where the road leads me. I choose love and in my heart I know that love will find a way. It always does.
My belief is that Spirit brings you to the people who will make you stand up and be your best self. Spirit offers you the opportunity and the lesson and how you choose determines how you grow.
I believe deep down inside each of us we want to love and be loved. Many times we have been so hurt and had failed relationships that we are afraid to jump. We live in fear that the other person won’t love us. We fear that we won’t be good enough. We fear. For me my triggers start to come alive again. What if I am not worthy? What if I am not good enough?
And then something amazing happens, the self talk goes away and I remember that I am worthy and I love that woman in the mirror. I have worked long and hard over the years to know who I am and what I want. I have stood in my truth when it has cost me more than most are willing to lose. I have been all of the things I had hoped to show my son a woman can be. I realize that I am love and no matter what someone else chooses to believe I am more than worthy. It is true freedom when you love the person you are and trust that what is brought to you is going to be perfect just the way it is.
I don’t need to change him. I can love him just the way he is. I can love with all of my heart. I can jump because regardless of what fear there may be I trust my heart and I trust that Spirit is leading me exactly where I need to be. I am jumping. I am giving it my all and nothing less. Because that is me. I don’t know how to be anything other than that. If it is to much or not enough I can look in the mirror and know that I offered all that I am with no conditions. Love wins either way.
I believe we all make mistakes. I have made many. With that said though I also believe in second and third chances. As many as it takes to make things right in our hearts. I believe in forgiveness. To me forgiveness is a form of love, whether you have to forgive yourself or someone else. The act of forgiveness is an act of love.
Ultimately, we all live in choice. We choose if we are going to be kind and compassionate. We choose if we are going to forgive ourselves or others. We choose whether we will be lonely. We choose happiness. We choose to never give up on someone and ourselves. We choose if we will open up and love again. We choose what our life will be filled with, pain or joy. We choose. What choices will you make?
In Her Service,