If you had told me 2 years ago that I would love again I would have cried and then laughed at you. I never believed when Mike died that I would ever love again. I honestly just could not see how I was even going to live the rest of my life without him. It was one of the hardest times of my life thus far. I couldn’t imagine life without him. Love again? Never! Laugh again? Doubtful!
I think the aspect of loving again that scared me the most was opening my heart. Let’s face it, in order to love someone you have to open your heart and allow yourself to feel. Feel the fear. Feel the love. You have to be able to trust again. Trust that if you give your heart to someone they will treat it gently. You have to open yourself up to the possibility that you will be hurt. The thought that I could have a best friend again was beyond my comprehension. I didn’t think I could ever share my deepest, darkest feelings with anyone ever again. Mainly because I didn’t feel that there would be another person that could understand me or love me enough to just allow me to be me, no matter how messy that me is. Loving again was not something I truly thought was possible.
In the last 2 years I have traveled several thousand miles. I have seen and made a couple of friends. I truly had no definitive plans and I never dreamed that there would be a future, anywhere. I thought I would just be a wanderlust for the rest of my life. No roots. No future. Just being.
Apparently, Spirit had other plans for me. I originally thought I would be staying in Texas. That didn’t happen. I ended up here in South Carolina. What brought me here is not near as important as the fact that I have stayed. It is beautiful here. I love the landscape. On one side of the street you have the forest, the beautiful green pine trees and on the other you have the ocean. If you know me you know that I love both but there is something that touches my soul deeply when I stand at ocean’s edge. It is truly where my heart is filled and my soul is at peace.
I thought that being alone for the rest of my life was exactly what I wanted. Then it happened. I met someone. At first I wasn’t sure I could love him. I actually didn’t want to love anyone. I just wanted to be me. Funny how life takes you down the roads you believe are closed off with barriers! At first it was the fact that he could make me laugh. Oh my does he make me laugh. It felt good to do so again. It had been a long while. Then I found myself spending every moment I could with him and actually looking forward to those moments. When his protective side came out I felt safe. When we would talk I could tell him things that I would never have told anyone else and he listened. More than listening he understood. Slowly we began to build a friendship.
I am a true believer that the foundation of any relationship is friendship. If the person you are with is not your best friend then when your world falls to pieces you will find yourself alone. It is the worst of times that your best friend is there to help you pick up the pieces and get you through. They are the ones that pick you up when you have fallen, when don’t feel like you can or want to get back up to fight again. Friendship is the ultimate key to love.
Let’s face it, every relationship goes through stages where you want to be with that person every day, spend every moment with them to where you just don’t like them. The friendship you build is what will get you through the times where you just don’t like them. The friendship is what will get you through the roller coaster of life and in the end it is the friendship that will overcome anything and everything that life brings. Without that foundation you most likely won’t make it through together for very long.
It took me a while to come to grips with my own feelings. Letting go of what was, allowing what is in the here and now has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had a beautiful relationship and although this relationship is different I have a beautiful relationship.
On the one hand I find myself still going through many stages of grief. I have found myself extremely angry that I have had to let go of so many dreams, wants and desires that I had. On the other hand I find myself embracing the life I have. There are a lot of struggles and I still do not have a firm and steady footing but I can honestly say that I am happy and very much in love.
“Allowing” life to unfold. Learning to trust. Learning to “allow” myself to love again. Learning to let go of things that no longer serve. Every day is an adventure. Some days I pass with flying colors. Other days I cry at every little thing. Everyday I strive to live this thing called life to the best of my ability.
I will never fulfill some of my dreams. I will, however. continue to dream. I have learned to open my heart and at times I find myself shutting it down again but ultimately I have allowed love in my life again. As scary as that is, it is here, I am open to it. Will it last forever? What is forever anyway? For me. forever means that you carry the love you share with you when you leave this earth so in that aspect, yes, it will last forever. The love we share today will always fill my heart. The memories we make will always fill my soul. In this aspect I know that this love, the love that has begun to heal a shattered heart. The love that has helped me find my way will forever be with me.
I don’t know what the future will bring. Obviously, nothing I planned 2 years ago has been what I thought it would be, instead my heart has been opened, my healing has been difficult and my grief has been intense but today I am alive and living life in a way I never dreamed I would. I am thankful and I am blessed.
Life is never everything we believe it should be but when we step forward and live it to the best of our ability we open ourselves up to allow things to be better, sweeter, more intense than we could have dreamed.
For me, I am going to continue loving this man. I am going to continue letting go of what I had and embrace what is here now. It is different but it is just as beautiful, just in different ways. I look at my life and I am in awe that I could be so blessed to have this love in my life. I am in awe to have the laughter. I am in awe to feel protected and have the knowing that at the end of the day I was and am loved. I never dreamed it was possible and yet here it is and I am in awe of the blessings.
In Her Service,