Expect The Unexpected

I always laugh when I begin to make plans. I already know that every plan I make is subject to change at the drop of a hat. The Universe has a way of laughing at me just when I think I have gotten everything together and know where I am going. My plans never seem to go exactly the way I see them. I am good with it though. I learned a long time ago that if I just go with the flow things work out better than I could have imagined it. Especially when everything seems to be falling apart.

I haven’t written in a couple of months. Life had gotten the best of me. I just couldn’t find the words to say what was going on in my mind and heart. Many days it wasn’t good and even today I struggle with just focusing on the good. It has been a couple of tough months. I have kept my head above water but it hasn’t been easy. I am still standing though and as I sit down to write this I find that my heart and my head are actually on the same page again so all is well with the world. That does not mean that it is perfect. It doesn’t mean that I have any answers whatsoever but it means that deep down I know that everything is going to work out and be exactly what it is suppose to be and once again life will be different.

I am good with change. I know many do not like change. I have heard it said that the harder you fight the changes the harder the changes become. I quit fighting. I step back and just watch. I look at me, look at my feelings within and I figure out where I am and how I am adjusting. Sometimes I adjust better and others I just cry. Either way I find that the less resistance the easier the change is. I do my best to just go with the flow.

My world has changed significantly the last month. My son came to South Carolina. He faced many challenges the first couple of weeks he was here and yet he has managed to keep on moving forward. I would like to think that it is because he was taught well but really it is because that is who he is. He is a determined young man and I am proud of him. His challenges have created many challenges for me and yet I am doing alright. In fact, I am happy. Did you hear that? I am actually happy.

I don’t have a place to live. I am staying with a friend. I am looking for a place to live and my life has been one huge challenge after another the last 2 months but I am still here, still doing what I have to survive and I am still standing.

The biggest change in my life, other than housing, is that I have met someone. I never, ever thought I would find anyone to make me laugh a full on belly laugh again. Yet he does. Every single day I laugh. It is the most amazing thing in the world.

I met him a couple of months ago but we didn’t really get to know each other. We would say hello in passing and then just go on with our lives. Then one night we were both hanging out with friends and the next thing you knew we were there, side by side, talking, laughing and getting to know each other. It has been an amazing journey since that day. He not only makes me laugh he also shows me how much he cares. He says he doesn’t but I see and feel it every day. Every day he makes me smile. Every day he makes me feel like a woman. Every day he shares his life with me and every day he is by my side helping me and supporting my decisions. I can talk to him and know that he is going to listen and although he may not have answers he will be there.

I have a couple of friends who are not fond of him. I know from experience that if you base everything on what your friends feel you will find yourself alone and miserable. I have to acknowledge that they have a right to their feelings and thoughts and ultimately it doesn’t change my love for them but I have to do what is best for me and right now, in this moment, he is what is best for me.

Honestly, I have not felt this complete happiness in a very long time. It is healing. It is helping me let go and more than anything it is making me feel alive again. I was lacking that deep within. I was going through the motions but deep inside I was empty. I had no will to really live. I had promised that I would so I went through the motions but until now I didn’t realize that I didn’t care whether I was walking this earth or not. Now I care. Now I know that I am suppose to be here doing me and finding complete and utter joy within is the key to that.

My joy is not based on one individual. Instead that individual has shown me that I have a life that is worth living and in turn that I can find my happiness again. He woke me up. He woke my heart up again and in turn he helped me heal me. I will be forever thankful for all he has offered me and all he has shared with me.

I have no idea where this relationship will go. I am one of those people who love and love fiercely and love is not something he wants in his life. I am doing me. He is doing him and right now we are doing us. I am good with that. Whatever comes about I believe it is meant to be and I now know that I have the capability to care deeply again and be me without condition. It is the most liberating and joyful feeling in the world. This has been his gift to me. He has opened me up. I am thankful.

Sometimes we just have to expect the unexpected and embrace the change that it brings forward and right now that is exactly what I am doing. Good? Bad? Indifferent? Really it doesn’t matter because life is going to bring what it brings and I am going to stand strong and continue to just be me.

In Her Service,

Sage

The Rings

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There are days when you can feel your emotions right on the edge.  You know where every little thing threatens to make you cry or brings up an emotion you just weren’t expecting? Today was one of those days for me.

It started with me going through all of my altar stuff.  Dismantling your life is tedious and exhausting work.  It also brings back a ton of memories.  Looking at my altar stuff I found things that were given to me as gifts that I knew I couldn’t part with.  Other things I used as a representation for this or that.  They will mean nothing to anyone but me.  Trying to decide what to get rid of and what to keep is a feat in and of itself.

Then you add two young men who want things that meant something to you for their own altars.  In my previous post I talked about Cerridwen being the Goddess I work most with and on my altar for years I have kept a beautiful glass pig.  My son wanted her.  Then there was an owl for Bloudewedd that Kity wanted.  That doesn’t count the small minute things that each of them claimed as their own.  It is one of those things that you find very kind and sweet.  They want to keep you and your energy near them and at the same time it is difficult to let go of those things that have brought you so much comfort for so many years.

Emotions run high on both sides.  The receiver and the giver.  We all felt it.  It is a way of letting go and preparing for a future that we are all uncertain of but know is necessary. Trepidation, love, laughter and a few feelings of what is really going to happen once the reality sets in and this new beginning actually begins.

And then this happens…

I get ready to head upstairs and I stop at the end of my bed for a moment.  I look over and I see my wedding ring laying there next to Mike’s.  I know immediately what needs to be done.  I pick them up and head upstairs.

The memories come flooding back.  The first time we were married we went for simple gold rings.  The second time he bought me a beautiful Goddess ring and I bought him a celtic type weaved ring.  I ultimately couldn’t wear my ring because it would break my hands out so we opted to go back to the two simple gold rings we had originally.  I wore them for a while after he died, until I couldn’t anymore.  After so many years of wearing them all of a sudden my hand would break out in a terrible rash every time I wore them.  I finally figured that it was his way of telling me to let go and I took them off.  They have sat there together since.

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I am standing in the kitchen and I ask Jeremy to come in.  I had already given him the weaved ring a couple of months ago.  I try to make sure that he has things that meant something to his dad to hold onto.  They were so close and Mike’s death has been extremely hard for him.  He lost his best friend the day his dad died, he lost his dad way to young.  They had to many things left to do that will never happen now so the small things are most important now.

Into the kitchen he comes and I ask him to put his pinky finger out.  He does and I put both of our rings on his finger.  He looked at me kind of funny and I asked him if he knew what they were.  He didn’t.  I told him that they are our wedding rings and he immediately cried.  I cried.  Then we laughed.  He told me how small our hands were. The moment was beautiful and now we move on.

I keep telling myself that they are “just rings.” Yet, deep in my heart I know that they are more than “just rings,” they represent a friendship that was true and deep.  They represent a love that was unique and fulfilling.  They represent pain, loss, love, laughter and a life of happiness that ended way to soon.

To the outside eye they are “just rings” but to me they are filled with memories. My only wish now is that our son will make his own memories with them but never forget what they represent in his life.  A mother and a father who love him more than life itself.  Parents who loved and laughed together.  He can add his own memories to them and someday he can share them with his own family. For now, for me, they represent letting go and starting anew.  The memories are sweet, my heart is full and those rings are now our son’s.  The circle of life moves forward.  I am thankful.