Within The Cauldron

At the bottom of Cerridwen’s Cauldron it is dark. There is no light. Transformation happens within Her cauldron. It is never easy. It is never a walk in the park and it takes determination to peel the layers away so when you emerge from the darkness you are no longer the person who entered.

I have been within this Cauldron many times over the years but never like I have been in the last year and a half. It has been the darkest, most treacherous, heart wrenching, earth shattering trip within the Cauldron I have ever experienced and I am thankful.

Cerridwen is my patron Goddess. Many fear Her. I adore Her. She has guided me, taught me, loved me, knocked me on my ass, held my hand and always made sure that I knew that no matter what She is here. To many She is the Hag, to me She is the beauty that resides within this world. Not the beauty that we think of when we see a pretty picture, no, the beauty that lies deep within each of us. The beauty we are afraid to share because we carry so much pain and are afraid to love.

Fear is a nasty beast. We all have it. Most of us are afraid to open ourselves up to others for fear that we will once again be hurt. I have been dealing with this on a very personal level for a while now. It is hard to trust others with your heart. It is hard to trust yourself. The emotion of love is hard because so many times there is loss attached to it. Love itself is not painful. In fact, it is one of the purest, most amazing energies in the world but the emotion we attach to it can and does hurt. Usually because we attach expectations to it and when those expectations are not met we incur hurt.

In our society we tend to affiliate love with sex, passion, relationships. In reality love is an energy that flows throughout the Universe on a continuous basis. We feel it flowing every time we sit in nature. We walk away filled with a sense of wonder and peace, to me this is love. It is abundant and it is beautiful. We just misuse the word and we have redefined it’s meaning in a way that we now believe that love hurts.

As I have been working on emerging out of the Cauldron it has been a long, arduous trip. I have struggled with being without my husband, my best friend. I have struggled to find what makes me happy. It is funny how so many times you find happiness within another and when they are no longer here you no longer know what makes you happy. It is a journey of rediscovering yourself. Somehow you lost yourself in the love and the relationship with another. I have struggled with finding my footing, with my inner and outer beauty, to open my heart again, with trusting others, with letting go. I have struggled with life itself. I have searched for the blessings in life and I have found many. I continue to stay focused on the blessings all while struggling with my inner self.

I am not good with compliments. I can give them and mean them with all of my heart but receiving them is something I have struggled with for a long while. When someone tells me that I am awesome my first thought is that I am nothing special. When someone tells me I am beautiful it creates a reaction within that makes me cry. I don’t see it. I know that within I am a good person. I always strive to do the right thing. I always give all of myself but I have never considered myself to be anything but a normal person just trying to get through life. I can be a pretty sarcastic person (I know this is a defense mechanism) and when someone tells me I am beautiful my first reaction is “here let me loan you my glasses.”

I am learning. I am working on accepting the view that others have of me. In the process I am finding me again. I am finding that person that has been within for so long, the woman who knows what love is and is willing to give her all. I am finding me again. It isn’t easy. It is a daily struggle. Not because I don’t feel worthy but rather because I have to find my boundaries and not give up on myself.

Over the last four months I have started to dream again. There is great pain, at times, in dreaming. You see things you want and you strive to make them happen and when they fail you feel as though you are back in the bottom of the cauldron. It is dark, you fight to catch your breath, you scratch your way out and you emerge once again, changed. It has been a daily happening for me. At some point in every day I find myself thrown into the Cauldron again. I can hear Cerridwen cackling through the whole process and yet somehow when I emerge She is standing there telling me “Girl you got this and I am holding you up.” Transformation is painful.

Today, the Cauldron is deep and dark. Today, I struggle with letting go of another dream. Today, I let go. Today, I stand in the knowledge that I have done my best and my best was not good enough. Today, I realized that if you have to fight to make something happen that should happen easily then it just isn’t what it should be and you have to let go. Today, I am changed once again. Today, I let the love of the Goddess, the love of Spirit flow through me and show me the beauty of this world. It brings me strength. It gives me hope and ultimately it helps me emerge a new person. I am falling in love with this person I am becoming.

Shedding the old is not easy. It is our comfort zone. It is how we know to be. Yet, many times if we really look, those old ways bring pain, old comfortable pain. Letting it all go and stepping out of our comfort zone is not an easy way of being. You find yourself in awkward situations, you find yourself searching for how you feel about someone or something and the answers aren’t always clear at first. The world seems murky. With time though clarity comes and you see everything in a different light, your perspective has shifted and life is new and fresh again.

I know that each day I find something new within. I find that I can do all of the things I dream of doing. I can have the life I see in my visions. I can and I will. The Cauldron is dark and deep but Emergence is bright and beautiful. Soon Resolution will be here and the cycle will begin again, but for today, my trip to the bottom of the Cauldron has brought me into an emergence that is new, scary and exhilarating all at the same time. Letting go and becoming is a journey and my journey has really just begun. I see it, feel it and know it. I am embracing it and allowing the love to flow. Cerridwen is holding me up and showing me a beautiful new world, flawed and beautiful, just like me.

In Her Service,

Sage

The Rings

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There are days when you can feel your emotions right on the edge.  You know where every little thing threatens to make you cry or brings up an emotion you just weren’t expecting? Today was one of those days for me.

It started with me going through all of my altar stuff.  Dismantling your life is tedious and exhausting work.  It also brings back a ton of memories.  Looking at my altar stuff I found things that were given to me as gifts that I knew I couldn’t part with.  Other things I used as a representation for this or that.  They will mean nothing to anyone but me.  Trying to decide what to get rid of and what to keep is a feat in and of itself.

Then you add two young men who want things that meant something to you for their own altars.  In my previous post I talked about Cerridwen being the Goddess I work most with and on my altar for years I have kept a beautiful glass pig.  My son wanted her.  Then there was an owl for Bloudewedd that Kity wanted.  That doesn’t count the small minute things that each of them claimed as their own.  It is one of those things that you find very kind and sweet.  They want to keep you and your energy near them and at the same time it is difficult to let go of those things that have brought you so much comfort for so many years.

Emotions run high on both sides.  The receiver and the giver.  We all felt it.  It is a way of letting go and preparing for a future that we are all uncertain of but know is necessary. Trepidation, love, laughter and a few feelings of what is really going to happen once the reality sets in and this new beginning actually begins.

And then this happens…

I get ready to head upstairs and I stop at the end of my bed for a moment.  I look over and I see my wedding ring laying there next to Mike’s.  I know immediately what needs to be done.  I pick them up and head upstairs.

The memories come flooding back.  The first time we were married we went for simple gold rings.  The second time he bought me a beautiful Goddess ring and I bought him a celtic type weaved ring.  I ultimately couldn’t wear my ring because it would break my hands out so we opted to go back to the two simple gold rings we had originally.  I wore them for a while after he died, until I couldn’t anymore.  After so many years of wearing them all of a sudden my hand would break out in a terrible rash every time I wore them.  I finally figured that it was his way of telling me to let go and I took them off.  They have sat there together since.

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I am standing in the kitchen and I ask Jeremy to come in.  I had already given him the weaved ring a couple of months ago.  I try to make sure that he has things that meant something to his dad to hold onto.  They were so close and Mike’s death has been extremely hard for him.  He lost his best friend the day his dad died, he lost his dad way to young.  They had to many things left to do that will never happen now so the small things are most important now.

Into the kitchen he comes and I ask him to put his pinky finger out.  He does and I put both of our rings on his finger.  He looked at me kind of funny and I asked him if he knew what they were.  He didn’t.  I told him that they are our wedding rings and he immediately cried.  I cried.  Then we laughed.  He told me how small our hands were. The moment was beautiful and now we move on.

I keep telling myself that they are “just rings.” Yet, deep in my heart I know that they are more than “just rings,” they represent a friendship that was true and deep.  They represent a love that was unique and fulfilling.  They represent pain, loss, love, laughter and a life of happiness that ended way to soon.

To the outside eye they are “just rings” but to me they are filled with memories. My only wish now is that our son will make his own memories with them but never forget what they represent in his life.  A mother and a father who love him more than life itself.  Parents who loved and laughed together.  He can add his own memories to them and someday he can share them with his own family. For now, for me, they represent letting go and starting anew.  The memories are sweet, my heart is full and those rings are now our son’s.  The circle of life moves forward.  I am thankful.