I am tired. Actually the word I think I am looking for is weary. I am weary. For several months now I have been working on getting everything in order to leave. It has been a lot of work. It has been an emotional ride. One that has taken me to places within that I never thought I would go. This last week has been really tough. It has brought more loss and more questions. Questions that I have no answers to. I find it difficult when I have more questions than answers. It makes me feel chaotic within.
I feel very disconnected at the moment. Maybe it is due to all of the retrogrades going on. Mercury in retrograde always messes with me. It started today and will stay there until May 22. Besides the outer manifestation of this planet being in retrograde I always find myself going deep within and finding the self reflection of everything going on in life. Generally, I end up changed because my perspective gets shifted and life becomes new again. Maybe this is what is happening now. I really don’t know but am hoping that this is what it is.
My life has always been about being responsible. I am the oldest of 4, actually 6 but that is another story, I grew up being the oldest of 4. I always took care of my 3 siblings. I went from that to marriage, kids, and more of being responsible. Over the last 43 years everything has been about being a responsible person, sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I failed but it has always been the focus of my world. Today, I just want to not be responsible for anyone or anything other than myself. Today, I just want to disappear and never have to worry about being responsible again. I know this is not an option but it is how I feel. I am tired of being responsible. I am weary of life itself.
My decision to leave has hurt some. Those that love me most. They don’t understand and in turn have chosen to take it personally. It hurts my heart and makes me angry at the same time. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. I was trying to find a way to live my life, to heal my own pain, to move forward. It wasn’t an easy decision but it was one that I felt I needed to make. I have stayed in a place I have hated all of my life for the very people who are now upset and feel betrayed that I am leaving. Somehow betraying myself is better for them so I should continue to do so. It hurts me deeply. It also makes me deeply angry. Angry at the selfishness of it all. Angry that I am left feeling as though I have done something wrong because I made a choice for me. I am working on my anger over it all but honestly I do not know that my feelings of needing to be selfish for myself will change anytime soon. I know deep in my soul that I need this change, even if my head is making me question every little thing.
As it stands right now, in this moment, my trip has been delayed. I had hoped to leave early and that did not work out. I focused on the actual target date and that is not working out either. Now I am looking at next month. My guess is that it will be after Mercury goes direct on May 22nd. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and see which road you are suppose to take. Right now I am working towards following my dream but allowing life to happen and unfold as it is meant to. I am weary, I do not know where I am going but I know when I get there it will be fabulous. My heart hurts, my head is filled with unknowns, my body is yearning and my life is unfolding as it should even if I don’t understand it all in this moment. I am trusting that Spirit knows what is next and will tell me when the time is right. Until then I dive deeply within and try and figure out all of this chaos that is swirling about.